yesterday morning i got up and my mind felt as though it weigh a ton, with a million heavy thoughts jostling for space and so i muttered “i can’t take it anymore”, changed up tied up my hair zipped up my shoes ignored my mother’s “you’re going running? at this time??!” and escaped.
it has been a while since the last time, so i started off a little slowly, warming up. i could feel the humid air, feel my heart beating lightly against my ribcage. running is many things to me: exercise, solitude, escape, desperation. it is proof of being, my ability to control something – my movements, in contrast to what i cannot for other aspects of life.
within minutes, i started to speed up. my footsteps felt heavy and loud against the ground. can you really make a difference? i winced, closed my eyes for a moment, not slowing down. do you see yourself doing this 5 – 10 years down the road? there’s no chance for any kind of promotion, isn’t it? faster. harder. death is an inevitable thing but please don’t go so soon. perspiration started to drip down, i could barely feel the ground. so it is a silent goodbye, but why? i don’t understand it. the surroundings were a blur to me, my ponytail was coming undone, i found it hard to breathe. where did i fall short? and why did she think those of me? tears were trickling down my cheeks, i could feel my cough rising up my throat. this loneliness that widens and deepens like a chasm, save me. my sides hurt, my heart hurts, everywhere inside hurts. i ran like a pursued animal. i’m sorry i cannot, to you, you and you. the air seemed displaced, and things came and went around me like gossamer threads, and the path moved like a filmstrip beneath my feet. i’m sorry. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry —.
i stopped abruptly and almost fell to the ground, gasping painfully for breath.