Sum of My Past is Me of the Now

such a powerful catalyst for an avalanche
of negative emotions.

look in me. faltering at every step, fear freezing me to the ground. countless questions in my mind always awaiting answers, always needing assurance. the lack of ‘confirmation’ makes me hold back – to save some for me. just in case, i tell myself.

look in me. for every negative thought that arise, the instinct to drop all that we have and run half-drowns me. giving up has never been so easy, to throw my hands up and announce my defeat that i can’t. but it’s just me; it is not you, as the cliche saying goes.

look in me. change is the only constant, i know, but the unknown that change brings – can one get used to it? i fear. all that is happening in your life, can i follow in step or will i be left behind some day? will it be about you, or can you hold my hand when i move, sometimes?

look in me. if there was 50% confidence [of what should be] about myself in the past, there is 0% now. or can there be a negative %? i am unsure of what to say, of what i am doing, of what i can give. all the blame games i have experienced have shaped me into a self-deprecating person.

look in me. i am real. i have issues, with me, with you, we have issues. they are real, and if we cannot properly talk about them, they are going to accumulate and build resentment and unhappiness.

look in me. i have learnt to directly associate love with failure, happiness with pain, and forever as short-lived. i am radiating negativity now. sad, but that’s how it is. the sum of my past is the me of now, which… is lesser than what i was back then? addition, subtraction, they have a way of mixing up sometimes.

look at me.

are you sure?