no more radio silence. the agony of my thoughts. the deconstruction of my spirit. i can barely express it right.
how can one stand it, being here? this hard, treacherous, ugly world?
time was, i thought humans existed to help one another. to live in this place, to survive. somewhere along teenhood and morphing into a young lady, i saw things happening around me, heard of stories from friends, had my heart broken torn stepped on, became disillusioned by what people can do to one another but still, i held hope. believed, had faith – that sort of thing. my spirit have always bounced back from ground zero, somehow.
but oh, people. the infinite ways they find to hurt one another. lying in their selfish quests to get what they want. acts of infidelity. vicious revenges. slaves to their passion and in denial of their wrongdoings. all those possibilities, they took to them greedily – because they want to, because they can.
i once knew a someone, or at least i thought i did, and it turned out i didn’t at all. like all the others, he took my heart, made it fly, then shot it down brutally. but he took upon himself to go one step further and crushed my spirit, maybe almost effortlessly. my spirit! my core! i wanted to ask him so many questions. why did you do it? was it a challenge, a game – to worm your way past all my barriers? do you feel a rush of accomplishment? do you want a medal? what was true, then? and i thought of all the grand ironies surrounding the saga from start to end.
and it wasn’t just him. his friends, my acquaintances, my friends, mentors, people’s families. they are all doing this.. this hurting of people close to them, to loved ones who have no idea [and some who do]. the past month, i have heard and seen so much, one after another, everything came together and it made me so.. utterly disgusted. so drowned, so terribly sickened, to be here, living among humans, knowing yet not able to help the other side, being part of it, being a human, oh i can hardly b r e a t h e.
this world is so cruel, and its people are so ugly, and worst of all, i am not exempt [and will be guilty in time to come], because i am, simply that, a human too.
in paulo coelho’s ‘veronika decides to die’, the protagonist attempted to take her life because 1) of the monotony of life – gaining nothing by continuing to live, instead, suffering more as time goes by, and 2) she was aware of what was going on in this world, everything was wrong and she has no way of putting things right.
if i should ever end up in her position [which is highly unlikely because i am not s*******], it will not be because of all the hurtful things that people have flung in my direction, but because of the knowledge of how ugly people are, the endless possibilities of harmful actions they can and will do to one another, and to me.
i wish i can be apart from this. how does one live in the world but not of the world?