these days, words fail me. not because i aim to be a verbal perfectionist [i fail terribly..] but because sometimes it is a struggle to think of what i can say, out here in this wild wild web.

if i have a leaf for every thought that has to remain hidden to protect my sanity, there will be a forest here by now. tonight, like any other night, it is difficult to sleep, for what reasons only i – maybe not even me -, know. these thoughts, they turn into emotions and overwhelm my senses. i press them down to stop from drowning, but they do what leaves do, surface and cloud me; i can hardly understand what i am searching for.

les miserables’ ‘castle on the cloud’ is spinning slowly at the back of my head like a totem.

i know a place where no one’s lost,
i know a place where no one cries,
crying at all is not allowed,
not in my castle on a cloud.

there are many things i wish to mull over, to think about. they spill out of my head like silver threads of mercury because there is too. much. to handle. i wish to blah them out. i wish to stop feeling all that is inside of me. i wish to get away. i wish, i wish, i.. wish —

here i stand, leaves scattered all around me, wordless.


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