when the chips are down

i didn’t mean for the ‘next entry’, which is this, to be like this, but today, an atomic bomb was dropped on me and i haven’t been able to fully process it yet before a non-response from something totally unrelated brought me even lower than i thought i could possibly go. all the past upsets of this year and accumulated disappointments that i tried to brush away poured into – or out of? me in waves and waves of disillusionment and… defeat.

it seems like i haven’t been able to write openly on this blog nor express how i truly feel about certain observations and happenings that should or should not matter to me for a long time. for just as long, i haven’t felt like i could talk to friends about a lot of things that impacted me and why i do the things i did, why i [did not] say the things i did [not], and why i feel the way i feel. i just needed to hide. i think, after suffering the consequences of the past few years – i don’t know when it started – there is something broken and unfixable in me that pulls me into the darkness, like a magnetic force.

this social media thing, it connects people in a very disconnected way. you get to follow people, yet how much do you know about them from what they portray and write, and how much of that is true? people follow me, but how far a safe distance do i put between them and me? there are a lot of ugliness out there, and it has made me wary of how deep i dip my toes in – both online and offline.

despite my sharing about everyday happenings or some thoughts that crossed my mind at that moment online, ironically the people who understand what i am not saying are those who do not follow me on the www. which happens to be most important. i have been very silent for a long time because of trust issues and because of someone [i will get to this later], i was only partially aware of how isolated i am from people now.

no man is an island, however, and there are some people who try to reach out to me and patch me up in their own little ways [thank you so much you wonderful friends, you know who you are], even with my defensiveness, or my pretending that everything is alright within me, or my dismissive shell. somehow i couldn’t bluff them; they understand my avoidance as what it truly is than what it seems to be.

despite this whole shutting-off matter, there are two close [or so i feel] people whom i want to open up to, unadulterated and truthfully. and it is terribly sad that one of them display a tendency to be.. deliberately undependable this year whenever i heave myself out from that comfortable darkness of distance to reach out. it is almost impossible for the two to not know the effect they have on me; they can just text me a random message or sit quietly beside me and i will be calmed, so if it is known, why this cruelty?

from ignorance, to dismissal, to nonchalance, to giving excuses even with the understanding that i really need someone, to putting the blame on me [accusing me of being too intense and expressive, thus the increased silence from me] unapologetically, to telling me that it may become a dependency [for me] once care and concern is shown.. it gets more and more far-fetched, i can no longer provide excuses for them.

caring. it is such a powerful force for a gentle word. listening, or asking a simple genuine, “are you ok?” work wonders. i am not asking for or expecting a lot from someone whom i thought cares for me. and i’m certainly not trying to depend on anyone.

my question is, is it really so difficult to be a friend in this aspect? just to care? does it not come naturally if the person mean something to you? do friends not reach out to one another when it is too hard to stand up alone?

one day i will find the strength to walk away from this.

[as for the atomic bomb, what am i going to do. what am i going to do? i never felt this lost and helpless in ages. let me think about it.]